Here With Me
by SVZ
Summary: Touya thought that Hikaru would always be the catalyst that driven him this far. It never occured to him that Hikaru could disappear into thin air until he did. [Gen]


Title: Here With Me  
Author: SVZ  
Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Disclaimer: I don't own Hikaru no Go.  
Rating: PG  
Summary/Notes: Touya thought that Hikaru would always be the catalyst that driven him this far could ever disappear into thin air-- until he did. Gen

Written for the Blind Go challenge on LJ. Posted here with minor revisions.

**Here With Me**

---

At one point in time, Touya Akira had automatically assumed his days as a Go pro would be spent following the footsteps of his father, juggling career with some college on the side, and the more than the occasional game of Go with Shindou. 

Those were his expectations and they hadn't changed from when he was sixteen. Maybe that was the source of all his troubles. 

If he thought about it long enough, maybe he shouldn't have counted on the first one. While Touya Kouyo's Go was certainly an influence, Touya's own Go had been described as more cautious than his father's but just as effective. Moves were carefully calculated and deadly, his defense was a switchblade that easily doubled as a strong offense. As much as Touya respected and loved his father, he also prided himself on relying on his own skill and talent to make the world know that he was more than Touya Kouyo's son. He had been considered the hope of the new Go generation since he was eleven, had held more records than he cared to remember and most importantly, he was Touya Akira and a force to be reckoned with.

As for college, he supposed he should have remembered that it was his mother's idea for him to pursue his studies; she always stressed the importance of a good education. When he was younger, Touya had wondered if it was because she had her doubts about him being successful in the professional Go world before realizing that it was her way of making sure he had more of a normal upbringing.

He had always been an excellent student, always among the top five in his class. He may not have been the most social kid in his class but he had to work hard on his studies in order to prove to his teachers that his frequent absences wouldn't be a cause for concern. Touya's marks and his performance on the school's entrance exam managed to get him accepted to Kyoto, anyway, and that was all that really mattered. He heard that the hardest part of college was getting accepted and he thought taking a few history and Japanese courses would be beneficial.

He supposed it really shouldn't have surprised him when he decided to drop out in his second year, exhausted and overloaded from work, the commute, and his school curriculum. It was clear that he had to make a choice between an education at a top university or playing Go. There had been no hesitation when he turned in the appropriate forms and thanked his professors in person for their guidance.

Even against the odds, Touya had always thought that he could have counted on the one thing that was constant in his life: Shindou Hikaru.

In the long run, Akira supposed he never even considered the possibility that one day, the catalyst that had reshaped his Go and driven him to where he was now could simply disappear into thin air.

Then it happened.

---

Waya liked to tease Shindou about his inability to navigate the Tokyo subway system and for being late for almost all matches or appointments. To give Shindou some credit, he was usually on time or arrived with just a few seconds to spare, but the Go world was very rigid with punctuality which made Shindou seem tardy even when he wasn't. Most players turned up well before their scheduled match, Touya being one of them.

While Shindou was barely on time for casual meetings, it was Touya who was running late that day. His tutoring session ran late and to make matters even worse, his train was behind schedule. The combination of both made Touya flustered and slightly irritated. He had thought about calling Shindou to let him know he was going to be late—but he hadn't wanted to risk jabbing some unfortunate and most likely irritable commuter in the ribs in retrieving his cell phone so instead, he readied himself for the wave of ridicule and good-natured kidding that was sure to follow his arrival.

When the damn train finally arrived at the station, Touya sprinted toward the McDonalds near the Go Institute. The familiar, bustling atmosphere and smells of coffee and burgers hit him as soon as the bell jingled and he spotted Waya's unruly hair and the back of Isumi's head in the booth near the back.

Surprisingly enough, Shindou wasn't there yet.

Sliding into the empty seat, he frowned. "Shindou hasn't arrived yet?" he asked, a little concerned.

Waya looked at him strangely from behind his supersized burger. "You mean, you haven't noticed?" he asked, incredulously. Isumi looked just as surprised next to him.

Touya bit back a sharp reply. While things between Waya and him had gotten considerably easier over the years, the two of them would still be considered acquaintances at the very best. Before he thought of a better way of wording his first reaction question (_What the hell are you talking about?_), Isumi took pity on him and filled him in. 

"Shindou hasn't been showing up for his matches all week," he explained, and Touya noticed the worry crease in Isumi's forehead. "He hasn't rescheduled any of them and he missed a study session with Morishita-san yesterday." There was an underlying question in Isumi's voice. _Do you know anything?_

"What about the Young Lions Tournament?" Touya asked, thinking quickly.

It took Waya a second. "Oh right, you couldn't go this year because of a scheduling conflict or something." He shook his head, looking aggravated. "Negative, he just didn't show and he was supposed to play a game with Kurata-san too."

"Waya had to fill in," Isumi added, helpfully. His tone switched from playful back to serious when he looked at Touya in the eye. "Do you know what's happening with Shindou? We tried calling his mother but she doesn't keep track on him much since he moved out. She said she hasn't seen him lately." 

"We tried calling him and he never picked up." Waya took a sip of his Coke, his warm brown eyes locked on Touya's. "We also tried knocking on his door but there wasn't an answer." Then he bit the bullet. "You wouldn't happen to know anything, would you?"

"I…" Touya raked a hand through his hair, contemplating. He closed his eyes, trying to remember the last time he talked to Shindou. Was it—no, he had just taken it for granted that they would meet today. They always met at McDonalds every week to catch up once they realized their conflicting schedules made it almost impossible for them to get together. Last week had been an exception because it had been a holiday.

Now that he thought about it, Shindou was the one who came up with the idea and before, Shindou had always called him to ask if he—

"Right before Golden Week, I think." Shindou had mentioned something about lounging around and maybe visiting some shrines. Did he ever mention which one?

Waya and Isumi shared a look and Waya drowned a fry into a puddle of ketchup. "That's what we thought too," Waya revealed. He looked frustrated. "We thought that he might have—well, remember how Shindou had quit Go a while back? We were afraid he might have done the same thing again."

_Same thing._ Touya repeated the phrase in his head a couple of times and nodded absently knowing that there was some connection he wasn't quite making. He remembered the incident Waya was referring to all too well and hoped that was the case. "Have you said anything to anyone? Called the police, anything?" he inquired, knowing that Waya and Isumi were tentatively hinting that they thought Shindou might be missing.

Waya looked uncomfortable, drowning another fry into a disgusting amount of ketchup but not even bothering to eat it. "Shindou's mother said that she received a short phone call from him a couple of days ago saying he was fine. She assumed he went on a short trip with some friends." 

Touya had already picked up on what Waya was trying to say earlier but now he didn't have any doubts. He could feel a tension headache growing at the back of his neck and he wondered if he had any aspirin in his jacket pocket. The last time he took aspirin, it was because Shindou had—

Touya breathed in deeply, trying to think clearly. Going to the police would have been a poor option given the lack of evidence they had, but obviously, Waya and Isumi were worried.

Just because he didn't show up for his matches didn't mean anything, especially given Shindou's background. Since there were only two matches scheduled for him that week and they were on consecutive days, there were a number of reasonable excuses as to why he didn't show. He could have been sick or out of town and not have gotten the notice in the mail. If he were sick—he could have hypothetically taken his phone off the hook and turned his cell phone off. There were countless scenarios and explanations that would explain Shindou's absence but clearly, Waya and Isumi had felt something was wrong and personally, Touya was inclined to agree with them.

Something was bothering him. There was something he was missing and it was niggling in the back of his mind. Touya had a feeling it was important. Now if only he could figure out what it was.

"I have Shindou's spare key," Touya said, distractedly. At Waya's sputtering and Isumi's curious look, he added, "Shindou sometimes asks me to water his plants when he's out of town."

Waya looked surprised in spite of himself. "He has plants?" he demanded, startled at the news. "They're not dead?"

"They might be at this rate," Isumi commented rather darkly. He crumbled up his hamburger wrapper into a little ball and glanced at Waya's pile of ketchup-covered French fries. "Are you honestly going to eat that?" 

Waya shook his head sourly. "No." He made a move to grab his tray and dump it but Isumi had already gotten to it. "Wait, Touya, are you getting anything?"

Touya shook his head, all thoughts of food had disappeared from the start of their conversation. "I'm ready when you guys are," he offered, rising to his feet. Waya responded with a curt nod and muttered, "good" as they waited for Isumi to return from his trip to the garbage. 

Waya took a side-long glance at Touya, eyebrows furrowed and the beginning of a scowl tugging at his lips. "Are you sure you don't know anything about Shindou?" he asked warily, making Touya wonder if he would ever win the other man's trust in this lifetime. 

Touya shook his head. "No," he answered truthfully. Waya appeared somewhat appeased although still worried and they simultaneously headed toward the exit as soon as Isumi caught up. 

---

He was surprised when the lock opened with a resounding click. Touya had half-expected the key not to work; he brushed it off as paranoia. It felt too easy.

The apartment was dark and empty, not that they expected to find Shindou inside to begin with. Slipping off his shoes, Touya flicked the light switch on and tried not to look surprised when he saw that the entire apartment had been stripped bare.

Waya didn't bother trying to hide his surprise. He cursed loudly. "Shit."

Touya surveyed the room, taking in the peeling white plaster where ancient Japanese wall scrolls were once decorating the walls. Not even bothering with slippers, he walked past the living room area which once contained a coffee table and a ratty old beige couch and ducked into the kitchen. Just as he expected, empty. The cabinet shelves were bare, the refrigerator was gone, and there wasn't a single saucer cup or a bottle of dishwashing liquid in sight.

Much to relief, he noticed that the trash can contained an empty ramen package and a pair of disposable wooden chopsticks. That made things slightly less surreal, but only slightly.

When he returned, he realized that Isumi and Waya were probably checking out the bedroom and bathroom. Touya found them in Shindou's room, staring at the empty bookshelves and dresser. The mattress was missing, but the bed frame was still present. Unmistakably, the apartment was rented in a semi-furnished state. Touya distantly realized Waya had cursed again, but he had other things on his mind.

Touya headed toward the trash can, already expecting something to be left behind. For once, he was thankful that Shindou was often careless and he was right. He found a scrap piece of a paper with a hastily scribbled _5-5-5_ on it and a pile of old movie ticket stubs and a light flickered on in his head.

Shindou was usually gone on Children's Day. That had been nagging him but knowing that wasn't much help in this situation. Shindou might have left to go to—Touya's mind went temporarily blank for a moment and he couldn't remember the place. It didn't matter, Shindou never actually _left_. He always came back.

Touya decided that he needed to sit down. Sucking in a deep breath as he looked around Shindou's stripped room, he turned to the two of them. "What should we do now?" he asked, quite bluntly, but he only received a long, uncertain silence in response.

---

Even with constant phone calls, it wasn't until days later did Shindou's landlord confirmed that he decided to move out but didn't offer any more details. The old man had been reluctant to share information and even when he did, he didn't know much.

"Don't you have any idea where he is?" Touya had pressed, desperately.

"Not a clue." The old man pushed his smeary glasses up his long, bony nose and frowned from behind his cluttered desk. "He just wrote me a note saying that he was leaving and he didn't care if he wasn't getting the deposit back."

"When was this?" Isumi had asked politely, although with a sense of urgency.

They could hear the shrug in his voice when he answered, "Sometime around Golden Week" and added that if they were his friends, wouldn't it be much easier to call Shindou up and ask him himself?

---

Shindou's mother called to inform them that she received a note from Hikaru. Yes, she said, it was most definitely in his handwriting and no, she didn't think her son was in any trouble. The note itself was short and painfully vague, making Touya wonder if Shindou was aware of how worried he and his friends were.

_I'm safe. Don't worry about me. I've decided I'm taking a break from Go, please tell the Go Institute. Don't come looking for me, there's something I have to do._

There was no follow-up. By anyone's guess, Shindou Hikaru had simply disappeared off the face of the Earth.

---

Most surprisingly, life continued on without Shindou. Touya supposed he was rather childish when assuming that life would stop without Shindou around. Life was, however, vaguely unsettling without him. There were easy days and hard days, as always. Easy matches, harder matches--but everything seemed to have fallen into a disturbingly familiar pattern that spooked even him whenever he caught himself.

It was frightening how he could simply forget Shindou Hikaru existed—_just like that_.

There were days he would forget and he'd schedule his appointments around the days he and Shindou would get together and play Go. It took him a while to remember that Shindou wasn't around anymore, and he spent the free time feeling oddly felt like he was in mourning for someone who was still alive.

Maybe alive.

There hadn't been any follow-up letters after Shindou's last note. While Shindou's mother seemed fairly unfazed by her son picking up and moving, Touya wasn't sure if it would be appropriate for him to approach on the subject. He didn't know her that well and he would hate to cause her any unnecessary grief if she were merely putting up a brave front so he hasn't pressed the subject.

What he supposed was more surprising than Shindou's parents' placid reactions to the entire situation was the fact that the Go community seemed to have forgotten Shindou Hikaru even existed, just like last time. Shindou's mother had followed her son's requests and told them that he was taking a break—a move that was frowned upon and caused a small stir in the community in the beginning.

Shindou was, after all, a prominent and likeable Go player and had been a likely contender for the Meijin title despite his youth. At the start, many pros, reporters, and even Ogata-san had questioned Touya relentlessly about Shindou's absence but interest soon died off as the seasons changed until even Ogata stopped asking.

Pretty soon, Touya was afraid that he might have thought Shindou Hikaru up completely. 

Waya and Isumi were anchors of reassurance and kept insanity at bay while he tried his best to do the same for them. Touya privately wondered if he was sinking regardless.

---

It was like Sai all over again. Waya would call every now and then about any news or rumors concerning Shindou. Namely, rumors. Little snippets like someone fitting Shindou's description had been spotted in Wales or one of Waya's online buddies had played against someone in real life and sent them a kifu of the match that could have been Shindou.

Waya had complete confidence in his news network, but Touya couldn't trust anyone he never met in person.

Isumi tactfully tried to distract Touya from Shindou's disappearance in a way that only Isumi could. While his intentions were good, his attempts failed miserably and Isumi became a sympathetic ear for when Touya had his moments of doubts.

"What if Shindou never existed and we're chasing after a ghost?" Touya once wondered out loud. He knew he looked like shit and he was working overtime only as a way to keep his mind free from such thoughts but Isumi had been kind enough not to mention his ill-kempt appearance and wrinkled business suit. Instead, Isumi ordered him the strongest tea on the menu.

"He's just as real as you and me," Isumi informed him, patiently. "We have the memories and games to prove it."

And photographs, Touya thought absently, but he didn't think those were enough. It seemed like everyone else in the world had forgotten about him. "Then how could he suddenly disappear?"Even Isumi didn't have an answer for that, but Touya took comfort in his other explanation. If he was crazy and Shindou Hikaru was all in his head, at least he had two friends who were just as unhinged as he was.

---

"I'm not crazy," Touya said, flatly. His reflection didn't answer and the silence felt too confining in his room, seemingly seeping in from under the crack of the door and windows to suffocate him.

Settling on his bed, he turned on the TV but his eyes kept moving to the framed picture of Yashiro, Shindou, and himself from the Hokuto Cup. It took him a few moments to realize that his gaze strayed to Shindou a few seconds too long.

Touya gave up on sleeping.

---

On a sunny day in early autumn, on a Friday early afternoon at Touya's own condo apartment, a group of his pupils had already settled into his living room for a study session. Standing in the foyer, Touya ended the call with Waya mid-sentence and felt like something was lodged in his throat. Taking deep breaths, he counted to ten and called his best student over, Renji, to cover for him.

"Give everyone my apologies," Touya said, tersely, still practicing those deep, calming and utterly ineffective breaths. "Something unexpected has suddenly come up or I wouldn't leave like this."

Renji observed his sensei with concern but even in his state, Touya could tell that Renji was pleased with being in charge. Touya hoped he wouldn't abuse his position too much.

"Of course, Touya-_sensei_. Don't worry about a thing."

Touya snapped his briefcase shut and threw on his jacket. "I'll call later to check up."

He didn't call Waya back until he was down the street and fighting past the mid-day traffic to catch the subway. "Hello, Waya?" he asked, straining to hear.

For once, Waya didn't berate him for hanging up on him but he did seem pretty irked by the whole situation. "I can give you his address," Waya told him. "Got a piece of paper handy?"

Touya paused, mid-stride. "You could text me the address."

Waya snickered on the other end. "No paper on hand, huh?" he said, lazily.

Touya gritted his teeth. "No, just tell me—I'll just memorize it." He made Waya repeat it twice. "Thanks Waya, and—are you sure about this?"

He could hear the smugness in Waya's voice. "Positive," he reassured Touya. "Shindou's mom was the one who told me. I'm hanging up now, I have to call Isumi."

Click. Touya shoved his phone into his pocket right as he arrived at the crowded station. He paid for his fare and hopped on the next train. 

--

Somehow, Touya wasn't surprised when he realized the address Waya gave him led him to Shindou's old apartment building. The walls were a shade of off-white and everything smelled like plaster and paint so he could only assumed that they must have recently repainted the walls.

Same complex, different floor and room number, he noted absently as he waited for the elevator to hurry up and ding open.

When Touya stepped out of the elevator, there was the scent of more fresh paint and gaudy decorations on a few of the doors before he could locate the right one. Three knocks later, Shindou answered, dressed in a bright orange t-shirt, jeans ripped in the knee, bare-foot. His eyes widened and his expression froze.

"Touya."

One word, just his name. The more rational side of Touya that told him he _shouldn't be mad, he shouldn't be mad_ was rudely shoved aside while his instincts take over. Really, Touya's metaphorical rational shoulder angel told him, using the same words that Kuwabara had said once: Shindou brought out the best and worst in him. 

"SHINDOU HIKARU," he bellowed, causing Shindou to take a couple of steps back. The sight of Shindou's impossibly wide green eyes and messy mop of dark brown hair and dyed blond bangs only added fuel to the fire of one pissed off Touya Akira. "No explanation, no note—"

Shindou managed to regain some of his composure quickly. "Touya—"he tried, again.

"YOU JUST _LEFT_."

Shindou stared, "Touya, you're going to get me evicted before I've even moved in!"

"YOU DIDN'T EVEN TELL WAYA OR ANYONE THAT YOU'D BE GONE."

"I did leave a note!" Shindou protested. "And I told you guys not to worry!"

Touya glared, simmering and wondering why his shoulders were shaking and why he was so glad and why, _why_ did he feel like he were twelve again and chasing after the boy who had walked into his father's Go Salon and completely set his world off balance.

Shindou sighed, seemingly debating with himself. He ran his hand through his hair, looked out of the door nervously. "The neighbors are going to complain," he said, finally and stepped off to the side of the door. "Do you want to come in?"

---

It was eerie. Shindou didn't seem to have changed much, Touya wanted to say that Shindou hadn't changed at all physically until after Shindou ushered him into the apartment and he was seated on the couch. Then he could detect small, subtle differences in Shindou's appearance as the other man busied himself.

Shindou's hair was a little longer and in need of a cut; his bangs still bleached blond. Touya wasn't sure, but he thought that Shindou had lost some weight (or maybe he just grew) and the angles of his face had gotten sharper. When he turned to coax his cat to get out from under the couch, the overhead light caught his earring. Touya's eyes were immediately drawn to the small black stud and he decided, grudgingly, that it suited him.

"Don't mind Yuki," he advised, petting a ball of white fur that eyed him suspiciously. "She's friendly. You're not allergic, are you?"

"No, it's fine." Touya wondered if he should mention that most cats he had the misfortune of encountering disliked him on the spot. "Yuki?" he ventured. Shindou looked up, his green eyes amused.

"Because of her color," Shindou explained. "Also, I thought it was ironic since a character from Fruit Basket is named Yuki but he's a rat. Just don't tell Mitani, but I thought his name was really girly to begin with."

"Ah." The irony and Shindou's acquaintance –Mitani, whoever he was-- was lost on Touya. "Shindou…"

Shindou rose to his feet from his mid-crouching position. " I'll go make some tea," he volunteered, a bit awkwardly. "I think there's some in the kitchen. As you can see, I haven't finished—" Shindou's eyes roamed all over the room and he winced when he saw the stack of boxes against the wall. He corrected himself, "_started_ unpacking yet." Shindou didn't bother to stick around for Touya's response, he was already walking towards the kitchen.

Silence stretched over the living room, filled with the occasional clinking of china from Shindou's general direction. Touya took that as an opportunity to look around the room. The apartment was small, but cozy enough. Because it was from the same complex as Shindou's old one, the apartment layout was similar, but Touya felt that this one must have been more well-kept by its previous owners. There was no peeling white paint or scratched wooden floor. A cynical voice in Touya added, none that he could see, making him curious about the rest of the apartment.

Shindou had obviously been in the process of unpacking, judging by all the cardboard boxes, but the white couch he was sitting on and the coffee table and most of the furniture was already set up. Leaning forward, Touya examined the blue-tinted glass coffee table and the contents that were spread all over the surface. The morning newspaper, a Go board, Shindou's keys, a small potted bamboo plant… nothing terribly interesting until he noticed a silver bowl with an intricate dragon curled around the rim. Touya's eyes were drawn to the small, painted scales and glowing red eyes. It took him a moment to realize that it was an ash tray and a lump formed in his throat.

Shindou coughed lightly, getting Touya's attention. He hadn't even noticed that Shindou had returned.

Shindou set the tray down, opting to sit on the floor and waving off Touya's scrambled attempt to shift over on the couch to leave him some space. "It's fine," Shindou said, smiling. Touya saw a flash of uncertainty and wariness in Shindou's eyes—as though he was afraid that Touya would suddenly start yelling again and began pouring the tea.

"It's my last tea bag. I'm sorry I don't have any cookies or biscuits," Shindou said, "I wasn't expecting any company." 

Touya wished he would stop because it was too strange to have Shindou being so apologetic. Shindou should be yelling and screaming at him right now. They should be having an angry yelling match, getting complaints from neighbors and acting like young teenaged boys. That, he could handle. He knew how he should react and how things would work.

He didn't know how to react to this suddenly reserved and polite Shindou. It occurred to them that neither of them were teenagers anymore.

"It's fine," Touya replied, thickly. He gestured toward the dragon ash tray. "I didn't know you smoked." 

The other Go pro frowned. "I don't," he said, perplexed.

"But…"

Shindou followed his gaze and looked surprised. "Oh, that?" A small smile flicked around his features and his eyes temporarily lost that ancient, guarded look. Touya felt like _this_ was the Shindou he knew. "I found that in an antique shop in America. I usually keep spare change in it, but my rent and lease ate up most of my money so…" he trailed off.

"Oh." The lump was gone and Touya wondered why it had been there in the first place and more importantly, were they going to skirt around the issue all day. "Shindou…"

"Touya," Shindou broke in. "From all the yelling earlier, I guess you want to know why I suddenly disappeared like that, huh?" Shindou gave him a wry grin that seemed to be all irony and no teeth.

_That would be nice._ "Yes," Touya said, evenly. "That would be correct." He almost winced at the precision and blankness of his words, but Shindou didn't seem to notice; he was too busy fiddling with his tea cup and staring through the table as though it had all the answers.

"I was looking for someone," Hikaru said, abruptly. He didn't meet Touya's eyes. "I had to look for him." 

That was rather anticlimactic, a little voice in Touya's head chirped. His first thought was that no matter what he was expecting; a dying old relative, amnesia, an abduction from aliens—but whatever it was, that wasn't it. His second conclusion was:

"You were looking for Sai."

Shindou's head snapped up at that statement.

"You were looking for Sai," Touya repeated coolly, looking Shindou in the eye. He could almost see Shindou's shoulders slump. Feeling a bit guilty, whether it was because of his yelling earlier or because he was putting his rival on the spot, Touya made a move to refill Shindou's cup. 

"You're right."

Touya nearly dropped the teapot. "What?" he asked, taken back. He looked over to Shindou and the teapot nearly slipped through his fingers again when he saw Shindou's expression. He had noticed that Shindou seemed to have aged during his absence, but now Shindou wore an old look even for a man of sixty and Shindou was the same age as he was; only twenty-four.

"Shindou…" he started, then stopped because he had no idea what to say in a situation like this and furthermore, he doubted anything he could say would give Shindou much comfort.

"I was looking for Sai and couldn't find him." Shindou smiled ruefully. "I've always sucked at finding things." 

"Hikaru."

Shindou turned his gaze on him, questioning.

Touya hadn't noticed the name slip until he saw Shindou's green eyes and in the back of his mind, he wondered how his name could feel natural and awkward on his lips all at once. He ignored the feeling, deciding that he could ponder about that later. "Shindou, your promise."

Shindou looked blank, looking at him as though he had just grown three heads. "My promise?"

Touya took a deep breath, wondering if his next words would break their already fragile friendship, especially given the circumstances. "You said, 'some day'…"

Shindou appeared startled. "You still remember that?" he said, before shaking his head. "No, of course you would have remembered." 

Touya trained his eyes on him. "Please." He fought the urge to slide down to the floor next to Shindou and bow.

Shindou hesitated. "You'll think I'm crazy," he warned.

Touya snorted, pushing his tea cup away. "Like that'll make much of a difference at this rate," he commented, and was surprised by how bitter it came out. He was about to apologize when Shindou chuckled. 

"Yeah, I guess you're right about that." Shindou's eyes lingered on Touya's own and he felt a shiver run down his spine; as though he was being put through some test. Apparently, he passed because Shindou turned around and leaned back, resting his spine against the bottom of the couch and staring at the ceiling. "Promise you won't interrupt me until I finish?" he asked. 

Touya didn't see any reason not to agree. He nodded. 

Shindou drew in a breath. "Well, one day my friend Akari and I were up in my grandfather's attic…"

When Shindou finished, Touya felt like he couldn't even keep up with his thoughts. Ever since he was young, he had been told he was very analytical, maybe even overly so in his games and during his time at the university, his professors often praised him for it in his papers. The most apparent and conclusive explanation would be that Shindou was an MPD. Sai had been an alternate personality and had simply vanished one day.

It wasn't quite as far-fetched as it originally sounded when he thought about it more clearly. During the time when he was alienating himself from Shindou, the thought of Shindou and Sai being the same person had crossed his mind a few times. He remembered his match against Sai online and how the opening moves had been the same as their first match that it didn't seem like a coincidence. Certainly, it would have explained how Shindou had played with the precision and skill of a pro on their first game while other times, he faltered and played like an amateur. There was also the incident of Shindou hanging around net cafés, and Ogata had once commented that Shindou knew more about Sai than he let on and even Waya had suspected Sai and Shindou were one and the same at one point.

It had been a while since he had cracked open his psychology textbook from school and some of the finer details had been fuzzy. Touya was almost certain that most MPDs had split personalities due to trauma or some sort and that didn't sound very much like Shindou. Aside from that, it seemed like a very plausible explanation. If not, Shindou could very well be a schizophrenic but more importantly, he needed help.

Touya tried to think of a way to say "Shindou, grab your jacket and I'll help you check into the nearest insane asylum" tactfully but Shindou interrupted him mid-thought.

"You think I'm crazy," he said flatly. Touya had to look away from Shindou's gaze but he was most disturbed by how calm and rational Shindou had sounded when he spoke. Not a trace of anger, no sadness—his voice seemed almost monotone, as though stating the conclusive analysis of a textbook.

"I don't think you're crazy," Touya replied, automatically. "I just think you're…"he trailed off before he could finish his thought. "Not quite sane" didn't sound too promising and saying "it's not your fault" didn't seem to be the right thing to say either. He remained quiet, trying to wrap his mind around Shindou's story and figure out how he could be telling the truth and for the story to be true at the same time. Logic dictated that while Shindou's tale was fanciful and perfect material for a shounen jump comic or maybe a movie, it was impossible.

Ghosts didn't exist, especially ones that haunted Go boards.

But then again, logic also stated that the Hand of God couldn't possibly exist and he knew better. After all, his goal as a Go player had been always to achieve and play the perfect move for a game and there was no doubt in his mind that it existed, even without any legitimate evidence backing it up.

If that was the case, how could they be both right and wrong at the same time?

He could tell Shindou was earnest. There was no reason for Shindou to lie; certainly nothing to gain and he had even more to lose—his reputation, his status—everything. Even more, as much as Touya would like to believe Shindou had a split personality due to dissociative identity disorder, Shindou's level of skill when they first played couldn't have just appeared out of nowhere. Frankly, it made sense. Everything about Shindou's story made sense. Too much sense.

Everything fell into place too neatly for it to be a lie. It explained everything. The "other Shindou" Touya had chased, the one who he first played against…

"I'm telling the truth," Shindou insisted. "I'm not making this up." This time, he sounded less calm and more frustrated, Touya briefly wondered if Shindou was above i making /i him believe him, but brushed that thought aside.

"I never said you were," Touya said diplomatically before realizing it was the wrong thing to say.

"But you think I am." Shindou clenched his fists. "Don't you?" Not even leaving Touya time to answer, he went on, "I told you before that you'd think I was making this up or that you'd think I've gone off the deep end. Touya…" Shindou looked at Touya straight in the eye. " I swear I'm not."

Touya exhaled. "All right, I believe you. I don't think you're lying."

Shindou studied him for a moment before relaxing slightly, chuckling darkly. "I love how you didn't say you didn't think I was crazy." At Touya's alarm, Shindou shook his head. "You took it a lot better than I thought, so don't worry." A small, almost affectionately amused smile tugged at his lips. "If I were hearing this from someone else, I would have thought I were crazy too."

Touya made a small noise of agreement and nodded, mind still buzzing. To say Shindou's next suggestion surprised him would have been an understatement.

"Well, I'm waiting for the questions." Shindou's tone was dry and he was busy refilling his tea cup. Snickering at Touya's expression, he shook his head. "C'mon Touya, I know there are questions that you're dying to ask but you're too well-bred to actually to do it."

"Why did you go?" Touya watched as Shindou's eyes widened, wondering if his question had been a bit too direct. "You explained about Sai but you never said why you left so suddenly."

The sound of tea cups rattling distracted him, causing him to realize that Shindou had picked up the tea tray. At Touya's confused stare, Shindou mumbled something about refilling the tea pot.

"You said this was your last tea bag," Touya commented, still perplexed, staring at Shindou's retreating back.

"I'm hoping I'll figure out where I put the beer," Shindou said, loud enough for him to hear before disappearing into the kitchen. Touya heard the clattering of porcelain and sounds that indicated that Shindou was rummaging through the kitchen cupboards and fridge.

His question hadn't been that bad, had it?

The sound of Shindou cursing interrupted him from what was bound to have been a cascade of guilt. Touya looked up just in time to see a flash of vivid blond fringe belonging to one sheepish Shindou Hikaru from the doorway of the kitchen.

"Touya, apple or orange juice?" Shindou scratched at his scalp, staring at his toes, muttering. "I definitely need to finish unpacking."

"Apple juice," Touya answered, neither really caring about beverages at this point. He knew stalling when he saw it and Shindou was unquestionably stalling. "Shindou, I'm not really thirsty," he added, testily. 

"Too bad. I am and this is my house." With the air of a careless teenager, Shindou went off to get their drinks and Touya was left wondering how Shindou could change from being so serious to utterly untroubled in mere minutes. Was it a cover or did Shindou's moods actually shift that sporadically?

Trying to psychoanalyze Shindou was like trying to dowse for water with a couple of twigs held together with rubber bands. Frustrating, ineffective, and he was probably wasting his time. It was funny how such a seemingly easy-going guy like Shindou could be so complex.

Even if that was the case, that didn't prevent Touya from giving Shindou an impatient look when he finally came back with the tray now replaced with mugs of juice.

"Shindou."

Shindou sighed, setting the tray down and opting to sit cross-legged on the couch this time. "All right, all right…" he muttered, grabbing a small throw pillow and fiddling around with it on his lap. "I just wished you hadn't asked that straight off the bat."

"Why?" Touya asked, without thinking. He observed Shindou and Shindou was tense and uncomfortable, surely enough. It showed in the stiffness of his back, his posture, and the slight tenseness around his eyes and jaw. It was a bit of a relief. Even if Shindou was an enigma in some--many-- respects, his body language was easy to read.

"If you didn't think I was crazy before, you're going to now," he answered, eyes on the elaborate embroidery on the pillow in his lap. His fingers traced the designs as he spoke. "Sometimes, I don't exactly think things through before doing them."

"I would have never guessed."

Shindou frowned. "It figures that you'd develop a sense of humor right while I was gone. Did you suddenly start watching stand up comedy or something?" Not expecting an answer, he continued on. "You guessed it before. I left because I was trying to find Sai."

Touya started. "But Sai's—"

"I know, I know—a ghost." Shindou smiled sadly, "But I figured since he was able to play Go through me, couldn't he play Go through someone else? Maybe he wasn't truly gone and he found someone else." His voice went quiet. "You don't have to tell me how stupid that sounds. I pretty much figured that when I couldn't find him."

"Shindou."

Shindou ignored him. "It wasn't like I just woke up one morning and decided to go looking for him. Before I left, I had been having dreams a couple of times a week about him and it wasn't like the others—the ones before, he had always been alone and smiling. The new ones were of him sitting in the middle of space with an unfinished Go game in front of him."

Shindou looked up, his eyes very green. "It was the game between your dad and Sai," he said, softly.

"But Sai defeated my father," Touya replied, perturbed. "What has that got to do with anything?" 

Shindou's eyebrows furrowed. "Didn't you see the game?" he asked, sounding almost angry.

"Of course. Sai won by half a moku. It was inevitable."

"No, you're wrong," Shindou replied, sharply. "If your dad had played the corner instead of instead of connecting at one point, he would have won." Seeing Touya's confused expression, he glared and grabbed a napkin from the table and got a pen from his pant pocket, shoving it to Touya. "Here, look," he said, brusquely.

Touya stayed silent, looking at the scribbled mess that was supposed to represent Sai and his father's last game while mentally replaying all the moves. "That would mean…" he said, startled.

Shindou repeated, "He would have won." Touya automatically accepted the mug Shindou pressed into his hands.

Touya scrutinized Shindou's appearance again. The next words tumbled out of his mouth before he even knew what he was saying.

"Shindou, let's play a game."

Shindou's head jerked up. "What?" he said, confused, watching Touya grabbing his goban and setting it on the floor. "Touya, what are you doing?"

"We're going to play a game," Touya stated, smoothly. "Any objections?" 

"Not really, but…"

Touya was sick of playing around. "Unless your Go has gotten weak, Shindou. After all, you haven't played Go for four years."

Shindou turned red. "What do you mean? Of course I've played Go!" he snapped, angry. "I tutored and taught Go while I was gone, you know. I didn't just laze about."

"That doesn't mean you haven't gotten weak outside of Japan. Go in America and the UK isn't on the same par as Japan. You could have gotten worse while you were gone."

"I'll show you weak," Shindou said, steely, his dark green eyes turning into narrow slits. Grabbing a fistful of stones, he shot Touya a challenging look. "_Nigiri_." 

He won black. Perfect. Touya pulled the go-ke with black stones towards him, bowed his head, murmured an informal "please" before placing his first move.

---

It took Shindou a few minutes which Touya attributed to the reversal of colors of the moves. Touya watched with determined awareness as Shindou's moves become slower and almost hesitant before Shindou stopped and dropped the white go stone back into the _go-ke_.

"What are you playing at?" Shindou asked, his voice low. Touya could tell denial was etched into Shindou's eyes and Shindou was trying his best not to lose his temper.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Touya lied.

"Don't give me that," Shindou bit out in a tone that even surprised Touya. His tone was bitter, mixed with a sharp tinge of an unmistakable wistfulness that made Touya wonder if he really doing the right thing. "This," Shindou gestured toward their game, "is Sai and your dad's last game."

"It doesn't have to be."

Shindou's expression froze for a second but quickly settled to a familiar look of resolve. "You," he said, savagely, "are such a bastard, Touya." With another lingering glare and renewed spirits, Shindou slapped his stone on the board with a satisfyingly loud _pa-chi_. Touya gladly noted that the move was Shindou's own, not Sai's. 

Touya decided to take Shindou's words as a compliment.

It didn't take long for a beautiful but complex array of black and white stones to emerge on Shindou's 19x19 board. Shindou's wild and reckless moves that were fascinating, frustrating, and everything in between mingled with Touya's black stones that in return were sharp, precise, and dangerous.

This, Touya decided, was only the beginning. He allowed himself to forget everything but Go.

---

"I guess you haven't slacked off," Touya commented, finally breaking the silence. When he looked at Shindou, the other's expression seemed to be still stuck on shock as he stared at the game spread out before them.

Touya reached to start clearing away his stones but Shindou's caught his hand. "Hold on a second," Shindou murmured, his gaze still on the board. Even without asking, Touya knew that Shindou was committing the game to memory.

"Wouldn't it be easier to just copy all of this to kifu paper?"

Shindou shook his head. "For starters, I don't even know which box has all my kifu paper." He looked over to the boxes stacked against the wall and winced. "It'll be a lot easier and convenient to have this game in here," he said, tapping his temple. "Just hold on a minute…" After several more seconds, Shindou closed his eyes and opened them again and began clearing the board.

The clattering of Go stones seemed to echo in the apartment as the two of them collected their stones and filled their _go-ke_. Shindou's fingers lingered on the last white stone, before dropping it into the container.

"You know," he remarked quietly, "I think that's the best game I've played in years."

"Welcome back to Japan," Touya replied, wryly. "Now you have some real competition."

Sticking out his tongue in a demonstration of his age-acquired maturity, Shindou snorted. "You honestly didn't believe me when I said there were decent Go players out of Japan, did you?" he said, shaking his head. ""Shouldn't this be the other way around with you telling me now to let my guard down and there are plenty of experienced players out there?"

Not necessary, Touya thought. He'd already played against the best of Korea and China and he knew from the newspapers that Japan is now considered to be in the leader in Go in terms of skill. Now that Shindou had returned, there was no question.

Sighing, Touya stretched and smothered a yawn before looking out the window, mildly surprised by what he saw. The sky held hints of red-orange but it was predominantly painted dark blue with ribbons of soft pink here and there. It was funny how he had only taken account of the passing of time now, although he supposed he should have noticed that it had been harder to place the stones during the last half of the game and he had to squint.

Go had that effect on him, it made everything else secondary.

"It's pretty out," Shindou breathed, next to him, causing Touya to start in surprise. "Sorry," he said, sheepishly. "Um, do you want to stay for dinner? It's pretty late out."

"Shindou, I'm not in the mood for—"

"I don't completely live off ramen, you know," Shindou interrupted, terribly amused. "I would have died from vitamin deficiency by now if I did. I was about to suggest we order carry-out. If I'm feeling ambitious enough, I'll even cook us up something."

"I think I'll try my chances with carry-out."

"Hey!" Shindou said, feigning hurt but Touya noted that he was already reaching for the phone and Madam Wong's Chinese Take Out was already number three on his speed dial. 

---

Touya liked to consider himself as a morning person. Waking up was inevitable so he never understood why Waya was so grumpy in the morning. Truthfully, he didn't mind rising early and he thought the American who thought up the "early to bed and early to rise" saying had a point. He wasn't perfect in any sense but at least he didn't need to be sedated with two pots of coffee to act somewhat human.

However, four in the morning was definitely pushing it. Touya squinted at the red digital numbers of his clock and tried to block the noise out by using a pillow over his head.

Groaning, he propped himself up by a hand while using the other to fumble around for the phone. After a couple of unsuccessful attempts, he managed to grab his cell phone from his nightstand, making a mental note to change his ring tone. He never wanted to wake up to Beethoven's 5th Symphony again if he could avoid it.

Upon checking Caller ID, Touya wanted to throttle Shindou.

"Do you know what time it is?" he asked irritably, voice raspy, bypassing a proper greeting because Shindou didn't deserve one. 

Shindou, at least, had the grace to sound embarrassed. "Damn, sorry about that…" he apologized, laughing nervously. "My body's not used to this time zone yet." 

"I see," Touya remarked, dryly. "Whatever you wanted to tell me couldn't have waited until later?" He sighed and turned on his lamp, turning his gaze toward the window. There was a light drizzle of rain and as expected, there were already pedestrians outside huddling under brightly colored umbrellas. At least he wasn't outside, Touya reasoned, feeling relatively warmer and luckier in comparison.

"I guess it could have waited," Shindou admitted. "But I wanted to tell you first." He took a deep breath. "That dream—it's gone."

Touya blinked. "What?" 

"The dream—Sai and your father's last game—it stopped." Shindou hurried on with his explanation so quickly that the words almost slurred together. "I had a dream about Sai. He was standing at the end of a field, smiling before slowly drifting away... He didn't say anything but..." Shindou's voice hitched slightly. "He looked happy," he finished. "He looked pleased—about our game, I think."

"That's great," Touya said sincerely. "So your nightmares have stopped?"

"I don't think they were exactly—"

Touya interrupted him, "Shindou, you had the same dream for nearly four years. I think it qualifies as a nightmare."

"If you say so." Touya nearly snorted at Shindou's response; he could almost hear the eyeroll in his voice. "Anyway, Touya, I wanted to call to say thanks. For, er, everything."

"Shindou," Touya replied, "I didn't do anything."

"All the time I spent looking for Sai, I only needed to play a game against you. Ironic, don't you think?"

"Shindou."

"I'd be polite and protest and say you're the best thing since instant ramen but I think you'd rather sleep," Shindou replied, tactfully. "'Night."

"It's technically morning," Touya muttered, but Shindou had already hung up. Sighing, he set his cell phone down on his night table and wondered if he should switch it to vibrate just in case Shindou called again. He finally decided against it, knowing that even Shindou wasn't _that_ inconsiderate. Although he hadn't been initially pleased with receiving a phone call at this hour, the irritation had rubbed off quickly.

It was almost as though pieces of a puzzle were finally clicking into place. He didn't have to question his sanity on a daily basis, he finally knew the truth about Sai, and most importantly, Shindou was back. If their game earlier had been any indication, he was even stronger than before.

Touya couldn't wait to play him again. The professional Go world had been too quiet and predictable without Shindou around.

He hadn't felt this good in _years_.

Games can wait, Touya decided, before reaching to turn off the light. He and Shindou could play hundreds, thousands of games later—but now, his first priority was to get some sleep. After all, Shindou wasn't the only one who had a sleeping problem.

---FIN---

Many thanks to Monica and everyone who humored me and helped look this over for Blind G Much love extends to my f-list for tolerating more than a month of "OMG BLIND GO" panic and whining posts without hitting me. Needless to say, this is a long one-shot with **no continuations**. Comments and constructive criticisms are loved and appreciated.


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